When she teaches, Schulman-Miller often uses ballet as a metaphor for a smoothly working family. Sometimes she plays a ballet on a monitor in the classroom. "This is one of the system ideas," she says. "A ballet has more than one aspect." She asks the students how they feel about the music. One might say it's romantic; another, sad. She shows a scary scene in a movie and asks: "What would happen if we put that scene in sunshine at the beach?" Her point is that events look different depending on the viewer's environment and his own history. In order to communicate, each family member must be able to look at the situation from the other person's point of view.
For example, a man who comes from extreme poverty and marries a wealthy girl might have trouble communicating. So might she. "So they need to come in for dance lessons," Schulman-Miller says. "Families don't know how to talk with one another if they don't have training. She gives the example of a father who came into her office to complain that his grown son opposed him on everything. "Part of what I do is teach a skill set," she says. The father said his son was making bad decisions and that he worried about what might happen when the son came into his inheritance. Schulman-Miller suggested that he not talk about the "bad decisions" and the "worry," because the son felt defensive. Instead, he might talk to his son about what he plans to do or what he dreams of doing, whether he would like to get more education about money or in liberal arts or go to business school. Every financial decision sends a message, Haines says. "Even something like an annual gift carries a message."
Kinsight's emphasis is on human capital, on helping each client squeeze as much out of life-and education-as possible so that they are able to grow their lives rather than merely living. One example is college planning. Most parents help their children get into college. They pay for college. But few of them help children get more out of that experience. Kinsight aims to teach them how to do that. Haines no longer asks clients about goals. "When we asked for goals, all we got was a list of anxieties," he says. Now he asks, "What is your wing span?" or, "What could and would you do if you could do anything?"
Mary Rowland can be reached at [email protected]. She has been a business and personal finance journalist for 30 years and has written two books for financial advisors: Best Practices and In Search of the Perfect Model.