If you haven’t tackled these things personally, one of your clients surely has. Tell their story, the good, the bad, and the ugly, anonymously, of course.

Many planners zero in on whether beneficiary designations and asset titling are correct. Those things are obviously important, but we find many estate plans lack any writings about funeral arrangements and most lack any writings about the disposition of personal effects.

I will often share with clients what happened to Terry and Kevin. I’ll contrast that with Betty’s story. 

On Christmas, two years before she passed away, with all three of her children present, Betty gave each of them some of her personal effects. Mary got Betty’s engagement ring, Bob got Betty’s husband’s military regalia including the folded flag from his funeral, and Jim got the piano. 

Initially, Mary, Bob, and Jim were worried about Betty’s health. Once they understood she was fine and only wished to make sure her wishes were fulfilled, they were fine. Mary and Bob were quite pleased actually. It took Jim a little longer to accept it because he wanted dad’s military items and he and Bob had been fighting for decades. In a fairly short period of time, his love of music, a passion he shared with Betty, pushed that jealousy aside.

You can’t get much clearer than physically giving things away in the presence of others. In Betty’s case, the gifts were very effective in avoiding conflict, but, moreover, Betty really enjoyed making the gifts. She believed the right people got the right things and she knew she stopped an argument between Bob and Jim before it could begin.

Now, despite its effectiveness, I am not suggesting you tell all your clients to give their most cherished items away right now. Gifting like this won’t work for a lot of families. Bringing the subject up can reopen old wounds. Nonetheless, telling the story can get clients thinking and talking about what worked or didn’t and why. That can make it easier for them to determine and articulate what they want and don’t want.

Betty’s story isn’t a cure-all. I doubt one exists when it comes to family squabbling. It is just a story about how addressing issues before they arise by sharing one’s wishes in clear ways can minimize avoidable problems and even bring some joy to a sometimes challenging topic. 

Isn’t that part of what planning is supposed to do?

Dan Moisand, CFP, has been featured as one of America’s top independent financial advisors by Financial Planning, Financial Advisor, Investment Advisor, Investment News, Journal of Financial Planning, Accounting Today, Research, Wealth Manager and Worth magazines. He practices in Melbourne, Fla. You can reach him at [email protected].

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