It seems I have a special knack for stumbling onto unexpected things about retirement. Recently, I was responding to some emails when a new email, referencing one of my blogs, came in.

Her email read, “Thank you for your recent post. I never had trouble with low self-esteem before retirement.  I always associated my worth with what I did and/or being needed. Not just being. That was a big mistake!”

When stuff like that hits my desk, I drop everything and tune-in and find out what is going on.  So, I promptly responded, “Can you share a little more?”

That’s when she started dropping bombs at will:

“I am no longer needed in my relationship. I was a good corporate wife who stayed home to raise our son and daughter so Bill could focus on his career. Now that he's retired, I am not needed the same way, and the kids are grown, so I’m no use in that function either. When Bill was working, I was the person who held down the fort. But those days are over; I am no longer needed because he is here all the time. I know he used to be so proud of me, and happy about my performance, but no more. And of course, I'm not doing all those things he needed me for in our past. I have an active outside life, and healthy self-esteem there, but not as a wife. This can't be so unusual, I guess.”  

I’m not sure how that comes across to you, but it feels heavy and cumbersome to me. I can sense how she is feeling and the burden she is carrying from her email. She’s grieving the loss of her role as a corporate wife. 

I don’t know about you, but there was no mention of grief, let alone this kind of grief in my Series 7 workbook or in any retirement planning book that I read. Typically, grief is associated with the loss of a loved one or something like a divorce, but there are actually over 40 different types of losses that can be associated with grief, not to mention, close to a dozen different types of grief.

That makes it important for financial professionals to get more familiar with the different ways grief may play out during the transition into retirement. This is especially important for what is referred to as disenfranchised grief. In a nutshell, it’s grief that isn’t acknowledged or honored. Think of it this way, many people perceive retirement as this ideal time of life and a privilege to achieve, right?  Therefore, some people aren’t going to feel bad about someone losing their role as a corporate wife. 

But that doesn’t take away how a client may be feeling or interpreting a situation. It’s not right or wrong, it’s how they feel and they want and need permission to share their feelings, all the details, and how hard it is to change or adapt. 

Loss of routine, structure and a sense of purpose can all play out as forms of disenfranchised grief during the retirement transition, which puts a premium on an advisor’s ability to educate clients on things like this so that it doesn’t sneak up on them and derail their first few years in retirement.

At the heart of the problem, is that in anticipation of retirement, people tend to focus on the positive aspects of it and how wonderful it will be. As a result, they don’t address the potential losses that may come with it, leaving themselves susceptible to feeling disoriented, out-of-sorts and even depressed. 

This can cause a mental tug of war where the clients oscillate back and forth between feeling good about their new life, but still yearn or miss their old one. 

What I found refreshing in the literature about grief is the opportunity for advisors to help clients deal with it by addressing some common myths and sharing helpful resources. In particular, many people were taught that in order to move on in the grieving process, they need to completely separate from it. But that’s not the case. It can be healthy to maintain bonds that keep a person, situation or dream alive. That can come in the form of photos, writing about it or coaching others who are going through something similar. In a sense, this helps honor the loss and propels them forward. 

By taking the time to try and make sense of the loss of a career, role or situation, clients have the opportunity to re-evaluate their priorities and discover who they are now. It definitely takes time and everyone grieves differently, so what becomes important is acknowledging the grief and offering support and tools to help them manage it.

Over the years, one of the most useful tools I have found in helping people deal with various aspects of grief is the short story below. This is not my story, I didn’t write it, but did make a few tweaks to it. For advisors, I have one warning about it. Do not copy and paste it onto your letterhead and hand it out like lollipops at the doctor’s office. It’s not about you, or your branding, it’s about the client. So, if you plan to use it, do it with a personal note that helps them honor their situation. 

One of the realities of retirement is that at some point we will all grieve. It's a natural process we all go through, however, no matter what the loss is, it isn't easy to explain or manage.

Life without that special person, place or role can be challenging and filled with waves of feelings and emotions. At first it can feel like you have been shipwrecked, drowning, with wreckage all around you.

Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the grandeur of the ship that was, but is no more. During this time, all that you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.

Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float, adrift in your thoughts, feelings and actions.

In the beginning, the waves can feel as if they are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come just seconds apart and don't give you any time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, the waves will remain 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. They still crash over you and can leave you feeling wiped out, but in between, you can breathe and begin to function more. You never know what's going to trigger a wave. It might be a date, a song, a picture or a memorable fragrance. It can be just about anything, but in between waves, there is life.

It's different for everyone, yet somewhere down the line, the waves begin to shrink and are only 50-60 feet tall. While they still come, they are further and further apart and you can begin to see them coming. Whether it's an anniversary, a birthday or favorite place, you can see it on the horizon and prepare yourself for it. As it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side—drenched and clinging to some tiny piece of the wreckage, you persevere.

Inevitably, the waves never stop coming, and ironically you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them as well as others too. In the end, if you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loving relationships, places or roles that will always stay afloat in your heart and mind.

Overall, grief isn’t typically associated with the transition into retirement, but it is a very real part that can be painful, messy and frightening. Therefore, advisors need to continue to develop new skills and knowledge around it and other non-financial aspects of retirement.

Robert Laura is the president of SYNERGOS Financial Group, the founder of RetirementProject.org and pioneer in Certified Retirement Coach training. He can be reached at [email protected].