I definitely didn’t see it coming. I was going through my normal routine with a new prospect when we began to talk about her net worth, including her home. 

She confessed, “I live in a beautiful house, in a gated community where all the lots are at least one acre. When I had the house built, I did it with all the best finishes and to my exact specifications. It’s perfect in every way except that I realize now, that I don’t know any of my neighbors and I hardly ever see them. They are too far away and everyone is so busy or in a rush, that it’s become a sad and lonely place for me to live…I feel like I am all alone.” 

We all know that money can’t buy happiness but when a client pours out their heart like that, you can actually feel it. Seriously, how would you respond to a new prospect or client saying that? Even more importantly, how would you get them to share information like that with you?

Situations like this come up in my office a lot, primarily because my background before getting into financial services was in social work. I was trained to ask good questions, to interpret body language, and help people think more clearly about the situations they were in. 

But that’s not the normal training ground for financial professionals which is why I continue to see one of the biggest issues we face as an industry is our ability to turn normal financial conversations into deeper, more meaningful interactions. My client didn’t admit to her loneliness by luck or out of the blue. She did so because I wanted to know more than the value of her home. I asked about her neighborhood, what it was like to live there, and if she had nice neighbors. 

This is an important revelation for advisors because retirement usually comes with a lot of curb appeal. It looks good from the outside where the landscape and lawn appear well manicured, the furniture on the front porch is colorful and inviting, and the hearts carved on the shutters evoke signs of a happy home.

Even when someone walks through the door, they may find a warm and welcoming environment…neat and tidy with things in place and a sense that things couldn’t be any better.

However, the outside and main floor often represent the public places that clients allow us to see. It’s their outward appearance that comes with front porch conversations that everything is great, when other thoughts and feelings may be going on.  

The truth is, we all have rooms that people aren’t allowed to go in. The door is always closed, no one has been allowed in this room for a long-time. It’s off limits or left dark and dim in the corner of the basement. 

Homes and rooms create an image of our clients. It’s who they are and many times they go to great lengths not to tarnish that image. So, they keep things on the outside looking pretty and don’t always invite us all the way in. This is primarily because we keep our questions and observations superficial and focused exclusively on the financial aspects. As a result, a financial plan can look good on paper, but can also fall short of helping clean up or deal with those hidden rooms that can impact their transition more than money ever could.

I’m talking about rooms of regret, loneliness, despair, resentment, heartache and fear to name a few. They are all very real parts of retirement that advisors and clients can’t just paint or wallpaper over, hoping that they just go away.

Advisors today, must be better prepared to go beyond those front porch conversations. They have to learn to dig a little bit deeper, be patient when they listen to clients and look for clues of them opening up and asking for help.

You see, just as someone would hire an expert to inspect a new home for potential problems or costly repairs, so too is the case with the transition into retirement. A financial review is necessary and important, but its critical to a client’s long-term success to check the other foundations of their retirement. In other words, the thoughts and feelings that hold everything together.

Unfortunately, many clients walk into retirement, thinking they have a well-constructed home that may only need a few upgrades. But as they spend more time within these walls, they realize their relationships are wired the wrong way, that mold has grown over their passions and hobbies, and that they have treated their health like a pile of laundry they never get to.

As clients go through their first few years of retirement they try and rationalize that feeling out of sorts, less relevant or isolated isn’t a big deal and that those feelings can be tore down and easily replaced. But they don’t go away. They keep knocking and in some cases, can get worse and end up derailing a client’s plans for everyday life in retirement.

Fear can hold a client back, regret can make them a prisoner of their past and loneliness can cause them to live in the shadows of life. It’s very easy for feelings like these to slip in through the back door of retirement and carve out a person or situation they never anticipated as part of their original retirement plans. 

Which is why advisors must recognize the role that soft-skills training and experience can play in helping client’s remodel their identity, re-wire their relationships, and move their health and well-being to the top of the honey-do list.

But I want to point out, in many cases, these are sensitive areas that need to be handled with care. Just as advisors learned how to sell product or service through role play and over time working with clients, the same holds true with this side of the equation. It means practicing the questions you might ask and the response that you would give. 

I recently met with a client whose husband had passed away several years ago. She finally got around to going through some of his things and discovered a very different person than the one she thought she knew and loved.  A hidden room was opened and a wave of feelings came with it.  From anger and resentment, to forgiveness and sorrow the next.

These are situations where very little needs to be said and listening is more important. Sometimes saying little or nothing creates the space to share what’s on their mind, which in many cases is a vital part of the healing process. But an advisor with double-booked appointments won’t be able to go there. 

Which is why advisors need to focus more on the human aspects of the business, honing new skills and strategies that are far superior to a low-cost provider or robo-advisor. 

Additionally, advisors need to become more aware of the problem areas that can flare up and break as people make the transition from work life to home life—specifically, the status of their relationships, extent of their social network and track record for mental and physical health. In other words, just as a home inspector will examine a roof for leaks and the foundation for cracks, advisors need to shine a light on some of the more dimly lit areas of retirement, not just the dollars and cents.

The reality is, retirement is more than a lawn and front porch that has to be maintained. Therefore, it’s time to stop dressing up the outside appearance of retirement and start helping clients build some sweat equity on the inside as well because retirement can be a beautiful home both inside and out, but it will only happen if all the rooms of life are open to the planning process.

Robert Laura is the president of SYNERGOS Financial Group, the founder of RetirementProject.org and pioneer in Certified Retirement Coach training. He can be reached at [email protected].