I was running behind for one of my workshops. As I hustled to hand out my material and make a connection with the group, I was reminded of retirement’s swift undercurrent that can quickly drag people into a sea of misery.
I started the class with my normal opening question, “Why did you sign up for a workshop called Naked Retirement and what do you hope to get out of it before you leave?”
Gary was sitting directly across from me, so I asked him to start.
He smirked and said, “I retired last April and I’m not doing well. I’m just flat and don’t feel like doing much, so I’m trying to figure out some direction for my life and was hoping this class could help.”
I was a deer in headlights. Gary dropped a nuclear bomb at the very opening of the class and I was floored. Nobody shares stuff like that at the beginning of a workshop, especially when there are other people around. It was an eye-opening reminder of how quickly a client can sink in retirement and the need for advisors to be trained as lifeguards of retirement.
Of course, that set the tone of the class and opened the flood gates. Bill and Anne were to my right and as my gaze shifted to them, Bill signaled his own distress call.
“I retired earlier this year and I’m a couch potato.” Hanging his head, he added, “I just sit around watching TV all day and I guess it drives her crazy and…”
Before he finished his sentence, Anne chimed in, “He does… and never leaves! I ask him to do things or tell him to call a friend or something, but he just sits there.”
The other couple hadn’t retired yet, but were anxious about making the transition. Jerry and Sue were both in the medical field and wanted to avoid the rough waters of retirement. Sue opened up first and said, “I signed us up for the class because I work in oncology and see a lot of people who have 3-6 months to live. Some are happy and joking during their appointments but others aren’t. It makes me wonder how to make the most of your life while you have it.”
This brief exchange highlights the reason why soft skills training will be one of the most crucial tools for financial professionals going forward. Specifically, the ability to empathize with clients, uncover behaviors that conflict with their values, and give clients permission, and a safe place, to share what they’re thinking and feeling.
It’s not something that can or should be taken lightly. Financial service companies and individual advisors have to start building knowledge and confidence when dealing with clients who are adapting to retirement because conversations like these are not only taking place in workshops but also online and in person.
I recently bought and re-launched a certified retirement coaching program and have been blown away by the conversations I have had with people both in retirement and approaching it.
One guy, a retired Ph.D. called to let me know he was taking the course but didn’t want to be a coach. Trying not to sound lost or confused I asked, “What are you hoping to accomplish with the program?”
He was quick to share, “I retired a couple years ago and I didn’t really like it. I struggled to find things to do during the day and people to associate with. So, I’m thinking about doing a couple seminars each year to warn other people about retirement.”
Since when do people need to be warned about retirement?
The answer is since baby boomers started breaking long-held silences about retirement. In generations past, people didn’t talk about not having any direction or purpose and you didn’t call your spouse a couch potato in public. But the game has changed and advisors need to respond with concrete strategies and know-how in order to help clients make a successful transition.
Advisors can start making a difference for their clients’ retirement plans by adopting a simple formula that contains four key aspects of effective coaching:
1. Praise
2. Validation
3. Optimism
4. Perspective
During the class, I used all four at different times and in different doses. For example, after Gary was done sharing, I said, “Thanks for sharing, Gary. I appreciate your honesty about your retirement and am glad you’re here. You’re not alone in the way retirement is playing out for you, and you’re in the right place to explore some new thoughts and ideas about retirement.”
With Bill and Anne, I responded to their retirement confession by stating, “There is nothing wrong with wanting to relax on the couch after decades of trudging off to work every day. Sometimes you just need a class or group like this to get you out and about and interacting with other people like you.”
Sue’s comments gave me a launching pad to provide some new context with which to think about and live in retirement. This part is important because many clients are brainwashed to believe that retirement is the best time of life and that everything during it will be fun, engaging and enlightening. But it’s not and when people understand this, it’s much easier to shift their focus from barely surviving to thriving.
I said, “Sue, your comments about striking a life balance in retirement is spot on. In fact, it highlights one of traditional retirement planning’s greatest flaws: the idea that when people retire, they have 20-30 years to do whatever they want whenever they want. But that’s not how it works. Retirement can change rapidly which makes it important for people to understand that a successful retirement isn’t one without any problems, it’s one in which you learn to deal with and overcome them. And that’s exactly what we are going to do here together.”
Integrating the idea that a successful retirement is one that will include problems, quickly chips away at the guilt, shame or anxiety many people have because their retirement isn’t unfolding like some fairy tale. A quick review of my responses does the same and highlights the useful application of soft skills training.
Thanking people for sharing and letting them know you’re glad they are there may seem trivial but think of it as a quick pat on the back or a simple way to make them feel part of the group. Many people feel alone or isolated in retirement, so using terms like “we” and “together” fosters a sense of belonging.
Letting people know that they are not the first ones to struggle with some aspect of retirement, helps validate what they are feeling and lets them know it’s okay to talk about the issue. It can also provide a bit of optimism that others have overcome a similar situation. This is a great place to insert a war story that confirms that an advisor knows how they are feeling and really has helped others overcome it.
Another important thing for advisors to be sensitive about are retirement labels like “couch potato” or “putz.” On the surface, they feel harmless, but imply something negative which isn’t good for someone’s self-esteem in retirement. By refocusing the label into an action or behavior (relaxing after decades of work), clients can begin to separate themselves from the label and focus on changing the behavior.
Finally, I want to emphasize the importance to tearing down the picture-perfect walls of retirement. Clients need to know that retirement isn’t this magical time where everything goes as planned or without a hitch. Making clients aware of the ways that retirement can ebb and flow better prepares them to deal with the rough or turbulent times, including times when they may feel stranded at sea.
It’s been famously said that people don’t drown by falling in the water, they drown by staying there. Financial advisors today have to be able to not only recognize when a client is struggling with their transition but also be able to throw a client a lifeline.
Robert Laura is the president of SYNERGOS Financial Group, the founder of RetirementProject.org and the creator of the Retirement Wellness Marketing Program for Advisors. He can be reached at [email protected].