Obsessing about your parent’s estate plan. Some discussion of an estate plan with family members is a good thing. But it’s not appropriate for children to ask about the specifics of a parent’s plan.

Refusing to accept a relative’s later-in-life changes. Relations can get strained when a parent or other relative stops doing things that used to be an important part of your relationship, like going sailing each year, traveling to the beach each summer, or—even more significantly—dating or remarrying shortly after the death of a loved spouse. It’s a good and proper thing for family and friends to voice concerns about life changes that negatively impact an elderly relative. But it’s not a good thing to voice concerns when life changes occur that are either neutral (or in fact positive) for the elderly relative, yet may not suit the tastes of the family and friends.

Getting angry at a relative just because they’re getting older. I once handled a matter where a daughter dutifully cared for her declining father for years, yet was left a smaller portion of the estate than siblings who merely visited him. The problem was that the daughter was bitter and spiteful towards him for years, which led to his final years being filled with turmoil and angst.

Sharing too much bad news about your kids. Honesty within a family is important, but it may be wise to withhold mention of some flaws and faults of children or other family members—like occasional substance use or repeated failed marriages—to elderly relatives. Withholding this kind of information could keep an elderly relative from potentially disinheriting the wayward child who, out of all of the people in the family, may need the inheritance the most. This rule would not apply to extreme scenarios such as chronic drug use, where an inheritance would almost certainly be misused to only feed a destructive habit.

Will Sleeth is a partner in national law firm LeClairRyan's Williamsburg, Va. office, who also leads the firm’s estate and trust litigation team.

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