Getting rich is the American dream. Living rich has become a reality for a rising percentage of Americans. But for those who have achieved this dream, there are unanticipated consequences. And for those who inherit wealth, these consequences increase in complexity as they are passed forward through the generations.

These can lead to conflicts that undermine the advisor/client relationship. So how can an advisor enhance his insight to transform conflict into success?

Let's play a mental game for a moment and actually ask why getting rich is the American dream. What exactly do we dream?

Wealth is imagined as affording freedom. Wealthy people are judged as free from the financial struggles most have to deal with, in the form of mortgages, education, health care and retirement. Americans also dream that getting rich will bring personal as well as public power. If we are really think about this mental game, we'll notice that the fantasy of wealth has an irrational halo. As if wealth will free us from the curses of being human and grant health, beauty, wisdom and love.

The fact is, wealth does not bring freedom. Wealth brings intensity.

Intensity is an increase in degree, strength or concentration. The word comes from the Latin intensus, which means stretched tightly, or strained. In order to illuminate the difference between freedom and intensity, let's use our imaginations.

Picture a human being as a balloon. Our dream of wealth as freedom lifts our balloon high above the field of human suffering. The breeze is gentle; the balloon sails gracefully, undisturbed among the birds and over the beautiful trees.

If we imagine wealth as intensity, we see the balloon differently. The helium-filled interior is stretched to capacity, making the skin vulnerable to explosion. The breeze may be gentle, the trees and birds beautiful, but because of the stress within the balloon, these external events are now potential threats.

The balloon may be free, but the intense pressure profoundly alters the situation.

This shift in imagination changes how an advisor works with a client in two important ways: The advisor gains insight into her own expectations toward the wealthy client and she listens with deeper, more patient empathy.

Let's examine this shift in perception through a case scenario.

An advisor came to me because he had noticed a pattern of lost clients. As he explained how he lost four different clients and we examined each scenario, we discovered a similarity in the clients' behavior. "Complainers," the advisor said. "To tell you the truth, they were difficult to work with. Their attitudes were negative. I attempted various positive-thinking techniques with each but to no effect. I just may not be able to work with a certain kind of wealthy personality."

I encouraged the advisor to detail the types of "complaints" these clients lodged. But what became clear was the underlying discomfort in the advisor-he was thinking about them in terms of the "freedom balloon." He unconsciously expected the clients to be grateful about their wealth and therefore felt irritated when they expressed frustration about their rich lifestyles.

"I know what happened," the advisor said. "I stopped listening. In each case, with all four of these clients, I started trying to fix their attitudes and tell them what to do."

When he shifted his perspective to the "intensity" of wealth, his interpretation of these clients changed dramatically. He saw how the complaints were clues to the areas in which the clients felt stretched and strained. Complaints are actually invitations, nuggets of opportunity for the advisor to penetrate client needs more deeply.

There are many conversational arenas in which the wealthy client can show symptoms of wealth intensity. The vigilant advisor, when listening for "stretch and strain," shifts the internal judgments that create a barrier to effective service.

Do your clients make comments about themselves that convey a superior or inferior attitude toward others? When they talk, do you notice they put others down or do they convey a need to be rescued? Do you feel guarded or patronized? Or perhaps you feel the opposite and notice a pull to teach or help them? These types of reactions may signal your client is feeling the symptoms of wealth intensity in the arena of identity.

Take careful notice of the thoughts and interpretations happening during your interactions. It is useful to jot notes down immediately following a conversation. Look for patterns in your own reactions to the client. Your inner monologue will give you vital information and guide you to make successful adjustments.

When you adjust your internal reaction to a challenging client, you take control of the underlying conflicts that sabotage your effectiveness.
Gaining insight into your expectations of the client is the first step. The second step is to further refine your listening skills.

It may seem too simple, but deep listening is what each of us wants. If we are heard, seen and validated on a deep level, we build a bridge of trust. Clients want to trust, want to give advisors their confidence. Trust comes slowly, though. The vulnerability a wealth holder feels is often not evident to an advisor for years. But that vulnerability is always underneath the surface.

A wealthy client's fiduciary needs are front and center, but underneath the financial conversation is a human being with depth and emotion. Wealth intensifies that emotion, and also intensifies the potential for mistrust in relationships. If a client does not feel heard, they retreat within. The advisor/client relationship shrinks to the level of transaction. Eventually, the energy dissipates and the relationship becomes hollow and empty-or worse, it becomes hostile.

I recently listened to a senior executive who was dealing with a liquidity event. When I asked if she was using an advisor, she replied, "No, no. It's too draining. I'm not always clear whether an advisor is in sales or in service. Sales I don't want. Service is what I need."

How would you listen to this client if she came to you for financial services?    What kind of internal reaction would you have to her comment about sales?

The sales comment is actually a nugget of opportunity. Move beyond your internal reaction and move toward deep listening. Try an inviting question. During the actual conversation, I waited a few moments after she made the comment, and then asked, "Have you ever felt served by an advisor?"

"Oh yes," she quickly replied. I encouraged her to tell me about her former advisor. She spoke at length of this person as a friend and was deeply saddened by his death.

This kind of response creates a golden opportunity for the listener. And responding with empathy builds a bridge of trust. The inner strain relaxes as the wealthy client feels fully heard. With sincere curiosity and patient questioning, an advisor can gather a rich description of what really works for a client. This can save an advisor years of hit and miss.

As a wealth advisor, your future depends on building trust with your clients. The two keys to building trust are your willingness to discipline your internal reactions and your commitment to practice quality listening.

It is not necessary to be a psychologist in order to practice self-awareness and empathy. Nor should the wealth advisor attempt to analyze or diagnose the emotional lives of their clients. The goal of awareness and listening is to build trust. The result of this trust will be a decrease in conflict and an increase in financial success.

If the advisor listens with empathy and a client opens the door to reveal not only strain but also deep emotional turmoil, the advisor should act as a trusted friend, referring the client to a psychological professional, then following up to demonstrate consistency and sincerity.

In fact, the advisor should be careful not to move too far into the emotional struggles of the client. When the advisor remains focused on the fiduciary aspects of the relationship, the client learns that the advisor has clear boundaries and will remain, first and foremost, on the financial tasks.

The answers that you seek are inside your client. As long as you don't allow your own judgments and agendas to get the best of you, as long as you ask the right questions and as long as you practice attentive waiting, the clients will guide you to their true financial needs and desires.

Then, if you understand the inner world experience of the wealthy client, you will help him come closer to achieving the freedom that we all dream about.    

Gary Shunk is a Chicago-based consultant to wealthy families and the advisors who serve them. His practice focus is the psychology of family wealth, and his primary mission is to help integrate wealth, character and calling. His Web site is wealth-psychology.com

Megan Wells is a writer and communications expert. She utilizes writing and storytelling for leadership, creativity and innovation.  She works out of Chicago and her website is   www.meganwells.com