After her parents passed on, Carolyn Friend carefully sorted through their personal effects as she cleaned out their home-a challenging task for anyone. Along the way, she began to recognize the value of missed conversations and moments never to be recaptured.
Carolyn and her husband, James Weiner, used that experience, and the expertise that came from being doctors of psychology, to recalculate their careers, write a book and start a new venture.
The couple created Inheriting Wisdom, a specialty consulting firm for high-net-worth families, in 2003. Wealth creates complexity, and when families start the discussion of how to create a meaningful legacy, no one in the family wants to feel marginalized or undervalued. Inheriting Wisdom is designed to give a voice to the individual and provide a method for working collectively as a family.
What Friend and Weiner try to convey in their sessions with family members is that wealth creates opportunities.
"Connected families work actively with their trusted advisor," Weiner says. "In a commoditized industry, high-touch and strong relationships differentiate advisors from their competition. Knowing what matters to the family, and where the challenges exist impacts planning for the financial and philanthropic aspirations of the family."
Their book, The Legacy Conversation: The Missing Gem In Wealth Planning, is designed to convey the central concept behind their thinking: Sustainability of the family legacy requires planning that goes beyond thinking about what to do with the "stuff."
"Families that cultivate the centrality of family create true wealth, while passing on guiding principles," Weiner says. "They build enduring relationships and create a meaningful legacy, leaving their mark on the world. They seek advisors who support them in this effort."
Legacy planning, the service Inheriting Wisdom embodies, was conceived by Weiner and Friend to help wealthy families make it through difficult transitions, such as the transfer of wealth or succession of a family enterprise, without it tearing them apart or leaving future generations wealthy, but adrift and aimless. It focuses on what the family's values are and what its members want to accomplish with their money and talents, rather than on the money itself. It also helps uncover and preserve the family history.
"Over time, we came to understand that families seldom have an intentional, purposeful conversation about what sustains them as a family," says Friend. "Ninety-eight percent of the time is spent planning deals with tangible things, when what is important and guides decisions are the intangibles."
The couple started in Chicago as psychologists-Weiner started in the late 1980s and Friend started her practice in 1991-to wealthy clients who confronted normal life problems, made more complicated because of the money involved. One wealthy client led to referrals to others and that is where their new business began.
Families often become disengaged and apathetic, they say. The first step to meaningful legacy planning is to assure that everyone has a voice and to understand what can bind the family together and what can tear it apart. When Weiner and Friend take on a family as clients, they engage them in discovery, a structured experience, asking them to put aside discussions about money and their current business challenges. This discovery phase is necessary to prepare them for the action phase, to create or recreate a plan with their advisors.