It's been interesting to me to watch the shift that's occurred in this industry since the early '80s in the skills required to adequately serve our clients.

Thirty years ago, a technician could thrive in this industry. If you could construct a retirement spreadsheet, design an investment portfolio, read an insurance policy and deliver a set of recommendations to a client, those skills would take you a long way. Twenty years ago, everything changed. With life planning and similar disciplines coming on the scene, you had to actually listen to your clients about things without dollar signs in front of them-things like desires, values and principles.

In so doing, many of us squirmed uncomfortably, feeling ill-suited to hear and appropriately react to a client's thoughts if they didn't concern college planning or pension funds. Yet this trend-in my humble opinion-will never reverse. In fact, our industry steadily progresses in defining these counseling skills, and "specialties" have even emerged.

One such specialty is dealing with aging clients, and that means more frequent deaths and serious illnesses. One day you're meeting with an 80-year-old couple, and the next day the wife is calling to say her husband-who you just saw the day before in apparently good health-died in his sleep. You express surprise, but what do you say next?

That one question became a career opportunity for Amy Florian, when she learned that the things most people say upon hearing of a friend's or client's death are off-putting. "We think responding to such news with 'I'm sorry for your loss' is adequate, but you can do much better than that," says Florian, "and the failure to do so may sound so unsympathetic-just the opposite of your intention-as to lose you the relationship." (Rather than saying "I'm sorry for your loss," it's better to say something like "I can't imagine what you're feeling.")

Florian, who was widowed herself at age 25 with a seven-month-old child, heads up Corgenius Inc. (www.corgenius.com) of Chicago, a firm dedicated to teaching professionals in financial services and health care about the grief process so they can support clients going through a life-changing loss. "When I first started doing bereavement work, people seemed to be touched by what I said, so I did more," says Florian. "Then I realized I needed education to back up my experience, so I got a master's with a concentration in bereavement and became a fellow in thanatology-the study of death and grief."

The problem, she says, is that financial advisors need to know how to talk about more than just the money. And they're hungry for this knowledge, she adds. After coaching and facilitating workshops on grief for over 20 years, Florian estimates that more than 2,000 people have come before her to learn how to better console those in loss. I experienced her empathy firsthand when Florian found me on LinkedIn and then we talked by phone-before she found out I'd lost my wife just last year. Upon hearing this news, she was instantly comforting in a way even close friends sometimes aren't.

Florian's Web site is a tease, listing just a few of the questions you need to know the answers to in order to serve grieving clients-but it doesn't give the answers. I asked her a few.

For example, what is the one thing a financial advisor must never say to a grieving client? "I know how you feel."

Explains Florian, this is always the wrong answer and it immediately alienates the grieving parties. Instead say something like, "When my mother died, I felt like this ... is it like that for you?" This way, you're making a connection and inviting them to express their feelings.
Another question is how long does it take for a grieving person to heal? The answer is that there is no definitive answer, except that it will take longer than most people think. In our society, we give people three days off work and then expect them to be normal. By three months, people are saying, "Put this behind you and get on with life." If at the anniversary the person is still grieving, people say, "Don't you think you should get some professional help?" Each person grieves differently and for different periods of time-sometimes years-and that's quite natural.

These two questions exemplify the kinds of issues that make many of us feel inadequate in times of others' losses. But how much do we know about things such as the five stages of grief? And how does a person's grief change depending on his age and gender and the nature of the death? What are a grieving person's greatest fears, and how do you handle each one? Many of these issues related to grief are beyond the average advisor. Without training, the best advisors can hope for is that they have ample reserves of "natural" empathy that come through and save them in situations like these.

Says Bryan Hogan, a Northwestern Mutual rep in Vernon Hills, Ill., who took one of Florian's workshops: "When you say to the grieving, 'I know how you feel,' or worse yet, 'I've had an experience like yours,' you send the opposite message-that you don't understand. Others don't want to know about your experiences; they want to talk about theirs. And ultimately they want to know that, as an advisor, you do understand and that they can trust you."

Karen DeRose, a managing partner at Chicago-based Karen DeRose and Associates, deals largely in elder financial planning-"Either children who come to me because mom or dad have died," she says, "or divorced and widowed clients." Not only is it important that you be trained in dealing with grieving clients, DeRose says, but that the staff is on top of it as well.

"I understand we must deal appropriately with the initial call we get from a client who has just suffered a deep loss, and my four staff members must all know the correct responses, too," she says. She's making sure the entire office has the kind of training Florian offers.
If this training is good for financial advisors, it must be doubly valuable to estate planning attorneys, who are even more likely to face client losses. Gary R. Waitzman of Lincolnshire, Ill., says, "I realized I'd been uncomfortable with funerals, wakes, sitting shiva. ... Everyone says 'Sorry for your loss' or 'He's in a better place." So trite. When I heard Amy, something about her message and the timing of it smacked me between the eyes. My sense was, "Here's someone with real-life experience, real passion and something important to say."

Coincidentally, several people were referred to Waitzman within 30 days of his hearing Florian, and he found himself interacting with them very differently, trying-as he puts it-"to not push aside the bloody rhinoceros head in the middle of the table that no one wants to acknowledge.

"I let them know I sincerely am sensitive to their loss and they need to tell me what they need from me. It's a whole different approach from, 'I'm sorry for your loss. ... Where's your will?'"

How does a coaching session with Florian work? Florian says each grief situation is unique, so she tailors her services to what her advisor client needs. "For financial advisors, I do a lot of talks [at conferences], I speak to groups, to firms, or coach advisors individually to teach the principles of grieving, what to do about it, how to act around it, and what to say. In a coaching arrangement, I usually do four 1.5-hour sessions, which is sufficient for most. For others who want or need more, I might even write condolence letters for them or consult with them on very specific situations."

Florian also talks directly to advisors' clients, if they want her to.

"If someone has a high-net-worth client who wants to pay for it, their advisor might recommend me as a grief coach."

Says Hogan, who's taken to heart Florian's guidance, "If a client told you they'd just discovered they had a terminal illness, what would your reaction be? [Now that I'm more aware], I'd stop and ask them for the details ... give them a chance to explain how they feel or what they're looking for. They'll tell you that [more readily than] what they're really worried about-their illness. Don't forget to ask them the really important questions, such as, 'Are we talking about weeks, months or years?' 'What one thing are you most worried about?' 'What's your thinking process?' Then get to the titling of assets and all your financial planning considerations."