"The person was not so subtly trying to tell me to lose weight," remembers Benincasa, author of the new book "DC Trip." "It felt like a pretty demeaning gift. Unsurprisingly I used the gym twice -- both times just to sit in the sauna."

To avoid similar disasters, remember that you have a choice in how your holidays are designed. Bruce Sellery, for instance, arrived at an elegant solution with his many siblings and cousins: They stopped giving gifts. This was the suggestion of his sister, a stressed-out mom of three. "She just said one year, 'Can we stop doing this?' It's been so great for everyone's stress reduction," he said.

Of course you do not have to go quite that far, and completely eliminate all gift-giving from your life. You can simply set an artificially low limit, and have a $5 gift-exchange among a group of friends or relatives, which are "hysterical," says Sellery. (His own contribution to his family's exchange one year: A collection of miniature soaps he acquired from luxury hotels.)

You can also call off the Holiday Arms Race by setting a hard cap: Agree that every family member only gives one gift to one person, in a Secret Santa-type exchange. Or take what you would have blown on gifts and select a charity together - sponsoring a child in poverty overseas, for instance, whose story and progress you could follow together as a family.

A final tip, from planner Barry Eckstein: Set a budget and do all of your holiday saving for the set amount throughout the year, in a dedicated account. Then force yourself to stick to that amount. That will likely eliminate most big-ticket impulse purchases - such as doggy mink coats.

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