Will you remember me, Dad?” asked my third-grade son, Drake, from the backseat of the car.

I had no idea what he was thinking … but I was heartbroken as I looked at him through the rearview mirror. In that moment, he seemed a million miles away.

I thought to myself, “What on earth would cause him to ask if I would remember him?”

I quickly turned to him, grabbing the back of the passenger seat to try and inch myself closer, and said, “Oh Drakey, you’re my son, I will always remember you. How could I ever forget you? I will always be there for you and want you to remember that, OK?”

In that moment, I felt a deep despair. I was a failed parent and honestly didn’t know what to do.

As my mind began to wander about the situation, Drake called out, “Knock, knock?”

Initially, I was caught off guard but was quick to reply, “Who’s there?” hoping his joke would change the mood.

That’s when he started to laugh and remarked, “Hey Dad, I thought you were always going to remember me?”

I laughed out loud, understanding that I had just been duped by an 8-year-old. “That was a good one buddy, you definitely got me … good job!”

It’s a funny situation in this context, but that’s not always the case when it comes to retirement. You see, many people can’t answer the same knock, knock question when it comes to their life after work. They simply don’t know “Who’s there?” once they lose their work title, role, career, friendships and schedule.

Truth be told, it’s not uncommon for people to confuse who they are with what they do. As a result, they get to retirement and can feel lost and out of sorts. This is a problem because they have been duped into believing that retirement is this holy grail phase of life where everything is easy and stress-free. And I’m not saying it can’t be an amazing time, but it takes time, energy and planning to get there.

Retirement can be stressful and even at times cause clients to feel like they are failing at it. This is why I continue to emphasize the need for a concrete, written plan that addresses all of the five key areas of a successful retirement transition: the mental, social, physical, spiritual and financial.

Research supports it. I have been offering a retirement priorities quiz for several years, and more than 19,000 people have taken it. What we have found over the years is that less than 20% of boomers have a plan for what an ideal day and week will look like in retirement and 45% of the same respondents don’t have a hobby or passion that defines them outside the workplace.

Furthermore, only 37% of the group say they participate in four or more social events each month.

Therefore, it’s not enough to just tell clients about it. Awareness is not the key here. Advisors need to not only have access to tools and resources but professional training and a fresh perspective to help clients see the need to replace their work identity.

We need to guide, encourage and ultimately be in a place where we can show them how to do it because the whole idea of complete reinvention in retirement sounds like a daunting task that should be put off for as long as possible. This monumental project seems sort of like setting a whole bunch of New Year’s resolutions for the rest of your life—and then slowly but surely failing at all of them.

No thanks, right? This is why I think it’s so important for advisors to have strategies to help shift clients’ perspective on this and other non-financial topics.

For example, the idea of replacing one’s work identity can be much more engaging and doable if you look at the process in the same way Michelangelo carved his statues. His philosophy was that God had already created the statue within the marble and it was his job to get rid of the excess.

Think about that. Our true selves are waiting behind these hard, outside layers of stone that have been put around us: things like our work environment, negative people and situations, demands from others and even technology. All of which make it harder to see what’s behind the marble.

Let’s not forget that there are also a series of layers that the media and our industry put up around the concept of retirement. We are constantly bombarded by mainstream images of what a perfect retirement is supposed to look and feel like, but most of it has very little to do with what might be truly important for each of your clients.

Therefore, it’s crucial to start chiseling back the layers.

What’s invigorating about this idea is that advisors can help clients get rid of things rather than asking them to do more. Oftentimes, adding more things to do can feel overwhelming and stressful. So instead of piling more things on, ask your clients to think about the layers of life they want to get rid of and be done with as they transition into retirement.

Then, have them think about their life before work and ask:

• Were you an athlete, thespian, band member or choir singer?

• Did you love to work on cars, camp outdoors or write poetry or short stories?

• Which people have been a major part of your adult life?

• Who did you call when you wanted to have fun or needed support?

• Who could you count on to be there?

• When it came to living life on your terms, did you dream of moving to a specific location, aspire to be in a certain career or want to start your own business?

This is just a small sample of questions you can ask clients to engage them, and it’s worth noting that this process isn’t necessarily about reliving those old days, but rather using them to re-sculpt their time and energy in retirement. It’s a simplified process that adds energy and direction to the planning process and positions them to thrive rather than just survive.

I want to give you some added context for the points I have made so far. First, I would encourage you to go through this thought process and these questions. Doing it yourself a few times and maybe with some staff or family members will position you to feel more comfortable engaging clients with it.

Second, I want you to take a minute to think about a successful retiree. Someone you personally know and have a relationship with. What makes them a successful retiree? Why did they transition better than others? I’ll tell you why. They either had a plan or found a way to quickly replace their work identity, fill their time with meaningful tasks, stay connected and relevant, keep mentally fit and physically active, express spiritual beliefs and feel financially secure. The more items on that list that you check off for a person, the more successful they will be in retirement. Therefore, every retirement plan should have a process in place to help clients develop and execute it.

One more thing! After my son told me his knock-knock joke, he went on to say where he heard it first. Earlier in the day, one of his friends at school got a teacher to fall for it too. So he wanted to try and get me.

Fact is, I don’t want anyone to feel tricked by retirement. Both advisors and clients need to truly understand all of what’s involved with truly comprehensive retirement planning. Therefore, I want to encourage you to send this article along to some colleagues, and if you’re part of a group, consider having me come in for some training and resource development for your firm. Because letting clients fail at retirement is not a joke!   

Robert Laura is the president of Wealth & Wellness Group, the founder of RetirementProject.org and a pioneer in Certified Retirement Coach training. He can be reached at [email protected].