"Every time we thought we had everything, she would get another statement from somewhere else. I'm sure he knew where everything was, but it wasn't put together in an orderly fashion," Hicks says, adding, "We do find this happens more with widows than widowers."
Some advisors-particularly female advisors-have an easier time when the surviving spouse is a man because it is often the man who forged the relationship with the advisor. Jan Valecka, CFP, owner of Valecka Wealth Management, in Lewisville, Texas, says one of her clients was a couple, but her real relationship was with the husband. So when the man died, Valecka had a hard time relating to his wife.
"I had a relationship with him, but then I had to re-establish a relationship with her. And she was a different personality," Valecka says. "She was more fashionable, she liked to go out. I had to find out what things were important to her, from an investment standpoint."
Making it harder was the fact that the woman seemed to prefer taking instructions rather than making her own decisions, Valecka says. "My style is more collaborative," Valecka says. "With her, we have a good personal relationship. We're both women, we're both mothers. But sometimes, I get the feeling she is looking to me for direction, as far as what to do."
In the end, advisors say it's not really their responsibility-or their right-to tell their clients what to do, no matter how vulnerable they are at this juncture. "The best we can do is be aware of these circumstances so that when we present the information, we can be sensitive to how they're digesting it," says Rochester advisor Colgan.
Indeed Leonard Shaw says in retrospect, he shouldn't have offered to give his children all that money. "It was a pretty stupid thing," he says. "If I had to go into a nursing home, I would have been broke."