Who says financial advisors can’t have fun?

At the recent BNY Mellon Pershing Insite18 conference held in Orlando, comedian and former Tonight Show host Jay Leno regaled the audience with a wide-ranging stand-up routine.

Leno, who hosted NBC’s Tonight Show With Jay Leno from 1992 to 2009 without missing an episode, talked about his early working years as a used car salesman at a Ford dealership and his start in comedy in dark strip clubs where the audience was looking at the naked women and not at him.

He also lent his comedic talents to a number of topics.

• I went into the Apple store for another $29 11-inch charge cord for my iPhone 6. The clerk said, “You need the 10th anniversary iPhone.”  How much is it? “$1,000.” I didn’t spend $1,000 on my 10th wedding anniversary. The 10th anniversary phone has a new, improved camera. How much camera do you need on your phone? What are you using this thing for? Colonoscopies?

• Competitive eating is now a sport in this country. They cover it on ESPN. This is the only country in the world where eating 300 chicken wings makes you an athlete. Competitive eating is the only sport where marijuana is considered a performance enhancing drug. Don’t you find that ironic? Competitive eating is a sport yet somehow we still can’t quite accept soccer. A lot of Americans think soccer is boring, but I watched the last round of the World Cup and for the first half hour the score was zero to zero. I tell you I turned my head away for just one hour and Iran wins one to nothing.

• There’s an annoying trend right now. Some advertisers, especially on cable, want you to get to know the non-celebrity spokesperson. There’s one now: Bob is 68 years old. Bob has hemorrhoids. Learn more about Bob’s story at Hemmeroids.com. I don’t want to know Bob’s story. How empty is my life that I would even go to this website? If I want to see hemorrhoids I can just go to the bathroom and use a hand mirror. And now they say marijuana can cure hemmeriods. If you think you can cure hemorrhoids using marijuana, someone is just blowing smoke up you ass.

• Did you know you can now buy a casket at Walmart. Do you know what ‘s worse than that? Buying a casket at Ikea. Can you imagine putting together your own casket?

• A liar, a cheater and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, the Patriots are in town.”

• There are these insurance companies. How do these people sleep at night? They ask, “Are you 50 to 80 and thinking about life insurance?” What 80-year-old guy is just starting to think about life insurance? He’s sitting around at night and says, “You know, honey, our kids are in their 60s now. God forbid if we ever have that motorcycle accident, I just want to know the kids are taken care of.”

• All these medicines we have now. The side affects are so much worse than the diseases. Now we have a disease that apparently is sweeping America. Restless leg syndrome. I’m sitting at the dinner table tapping my leg. I’m supposed to take medicine where the side affects are gambling and increased sexual desire. Well that’s a huge improvement. I’m not tapping my leg now, but I’m a horny degenerate gambler.

• Any pharmaceutical commercial where you see people over the age of 70 running through a field [is just wrong]. First of all, older Americans are not running willy nilly through a field. That is a side effect.

• What disease could you have had where blindness, impotence and explosive diarrhea is the improvement?

• What about the woman who has had her eggs frozen for seven and a half years? I mean, its bad enough growing up to find out you’re adopted. Try growing up and finding out you were defrosted. “Get away from those fish sticks. Your brother‘s behind there. Damn kid left the freezer door open and wiped out the whole family.”

• We are becoming a nation of excuse makers. They now say obesity may be caused by a virus and not by overeating. Does that mean you can call in fat to work now? What’s with hot brownies and pizza? Who put these two together? Have you ever done that in your life? I’ve had three or four pieces of pizza. I think I’ll have a brownie now. And have you seen the doubled-up pizza? “What do you want on your pizza?” Just put more pizza on it.

• Now there’s a thing called a cheesequake Blizzard. It’s a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake on top. We’ve now gotten to the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient.

• [Now there’s a monster burger.] It’s a Philadelphia cheese steak and a half-pound hamburger on the same bun. It’s sold with a Coke, large fries and a headstone. They actually bury you right in the box. When did meat become a condiment for other meat?

• Some advertisements say they have removed all the transfat from their products. Do you know what transfat is? It’s fat they have liposuctioned off a transsexual. But it’s not the transfat that is the problem; it’s the bucket. Any time you’re eating your food by the bucket, you’re going to look like the bucket.

• There was a story in The New York Times that 38 percent of children 7 years of age and younger are too fat to fit in their car seats. If your kid is too fat to fit in his car seat, you don’t put him in the car seat. You make him run behind the car.

• The hottest selling item in consumer electronics is the smart refrigerator. It’s a refrigerator that notifies you by your iPhone when you low on certain items. Does anybody really need this? You’re at work and you have to step out of a meeting. “I gotta take this. It’s my refrigerator calling. We’re out of Wing Dings.”

• The name of [bigamist cult leader] Warren Jeffs popped up in the news again. A judge ruled he had 250 children. Do you know who I feel sorry for there? The middle child. The 125th child suffers. He doesn’t get that one-on-one attention.

• Willie Nelson tells the CMAs (Country Music Awards) he is writing his memoirs. In his memoirs he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life. He started writing his memoirs in 1946.

• Caitlyn Jenner has written her autobiography. Has anybody read it? You know, it’s kind of a ‘he said, she said’ sort of thing.

• The most popular baby names in 2018 are Noah and Emma. The two least popular baby names are Donald and Hillary. And you know Hillary has written a book called “What Happened.” Now there’s a page-turner for you. Don’t blow the ending.