If parents and children want to come to agreement about their financial goals and futures, goals that might be at odds when children increasingly need help into adulthood, the best thing to do is put the agreements in writing, say two advisors with Voya Financial Advisors.

A contract can put any financial conflicts between parents and children into focus and help both sides stick to the decisions that are made in conjunction with a financial advisor, said Matt Stagner, a senior advanced planning consultant with Voya.

Stagner and Marilyn Timbers, a Voya retirement coach, said it can be the financial advisor’s duty to step in and help mediate disputes arising over finances between parents and children.

“This is part of what advisors do because it affects clients’ financial lives,” Timbers said. “These can be emotional situations, and a third party can address the issues in a nonconfrontational way. [The parties] sometimes cannot see beyond their emotions.”

Timbers said she had a female client in her 50s thinking about her future retirement. The client had two adult daughters, both college graduates, living with her and not making any financial contributions to the household.

“I met with her and her daughters and we talked about the mother not being able to achieve her retirement goals in the current situation. The daughters were just used to having the mother take care of things,” Timbers said.

With the help of Timbers, the family worked out a new arrangement where the daughters contributed to expenses and the mother could save more money.

The client needs to agree ahead of time about how much to share with the children, Timbers said.

“The main thing [for the advisor] is to remain a neutral party: just be a mediator,” she said. We can just show the facts to the family; it is not up to the advisor to make the decisions.”

Stagner added, “A financial advisor is uniquely positioned to help in these situations. Much of what we do is behavioral in nature.”

Stagner said Voya advisors start new client conversations asking about the family and who else is dependent on the client.

“So many of our clients are in the sandwich generation, helping both children and parents,” he said. “We can make sure everyone is on the same page. But it is a touchy subject. Oftentimes, one spouse is more willing to help a child than the other.

“You know how they tell you on an airplane to put on your own oxygen mask first and then aid someone else?” Stagner said. “That’s what we tell clients. Make sure you are OK, and then see how much you can help others.”

He recalled two clients who were going through marriage counseling; the father wanted to cut the kids off completely and the mother wanted to continue to help them financially. The kids reached a compromise with the parents, agreeing to pay for certain things but not others.

“We laid out a plan and told [the couple] what would happen if they continued with the level of support they were providing. We put the plan in writing to make sure they would stick to it,” Stagner said.

“Some parents actually do a contract with the kids. One couple put in the contract that the kids were not going to be able to move back in with the parents once they graduated from college.”

In such arrangements, parents can set out specific goals for the kids and allot for specific dollar amounts.

This type of agreement can be important for both middle-class and affluent clients for different reasons, Stagner said. For high-net-worth clients, it is important that the children know what the parents want their legacy to be.

“Financial education is always important for the children, whether the parents are affluent or not,” he added. “Children need to know the power of saving and investing. That education cannot start early enough.”