A: What you don't want to have, which has happened to me, is for a bomb to go off in the middle of your family retreat, where somebody stands up and creates a situation that is unworkable. I've seen these retreat killers from time to time. That's why I always make sure I interview everybody ahead of time, to know where the issues are.
Q: What have been some retreat killers that you have seen?
A: Hypothetically, "My sibling doesn't work as I do and I don't understand why he or she is paid the same." Another might be, "Dad, you say you want me to run this business, but you'll never retire, so you're never going to turn it over to me." Another might be somebody wants to leave the family business, but they can't really tell their parents that they don't want to inherit their life's work. That's a very sensitive discussion and that can really be a retreat killer. A retreat killer is probably a poor word for describing what I mean.
Q: Actually, it sounds like some very positive things could come out of this.
A: Well, the trouble is that all retreats are time-limited. We know by 4:00 or 5:00 tomorrow afternoon we're all getting on a plane and going back home. So often these things tend to come up toward the latter part of the retreat. People get into a retreat and they kind of see how things are going and they kind of see which way the wind is blowing. Then, in the latter part of the retreat, these issues tend to pop up. I'm not suggesting that you not talk about these issues, but it's the way that families talk about them and the environment in which we do that makes a difference.
Q: Can financial advisors do this?
A: The problem for a financial advisor is that you can't be the family therapist. That confuses your role. As a matter of fact, if you try to play that role, people may resent you later. They don't want their financial advisor to know all of the skeletons in the family closet.
Q: But the financial advisor might argue that he wants to be that person who is the trusted advisor.
A: There's no limit on trust, so everybody can be the trusted advisor. You hope that everybody is trusted. One intriguing observation I've made over the years is that these families either have all great advisors, and every person I work with is a joy to work with-they're smart, committed, caring, have been there a long time, every person that you're working with is terrific, they all have the family goals in mind, the estate plan is linked, everyone from the insurance agent to the CPA to the board members and the financial advisor is on the same page-or they're a collection of the most self-serving, limited, uncaring people you can find. It's unbelievable.
Q: Why? What's causing that?
A: Part of it starts with the client. The client isn't aware he's picked up a bunch of buddies on the golf course or from the local rotary, and he thinks they're all working for him. But you get in there and it's a delicate conversation when you have to tell the business owner, "Your estate plan isn't going to accomplish what you thought it was going to accomplish. For instance, you have way too much insurance." Or, "The documents your lawyer has put together are way out of date, given where your family is right now." Or, "Your financial situation with your financial advisor isn't being communicated properly in concert with your CPA." Or whatever. All of those things, I've seen happen.