Imagine your life as a movie that is just being ‘shot,’ but that you will not be permitted to ‘cut’ anything out of the original film. Once the film is taken it cannot be retroactively changed.”
These are the words of the late Dr. Viktor Frankl, a philosopher and Holocaust survivor (he’s the author of Man’s Search for Meaning). He uses the film analogy to help people decide how to act in particular situations. With this analogy, he hoped to impress upon them both the irreversible quality of human life and the historical nature of human existence.
Our moments are irreversible, so obviously our interactions with people are. So how do we become better at these interactions and become master conversationalists?
Our starting point is this principle: We should appreciate the singularity of each moment in context. A moment in conversation—or any moment—is irreversible. How you engage in it determines whether you will play protagonist or antagonist, hero or villain or a supporting role (or whether you will end up on the cutting-room floor) in an evolving story that involves you and the other person.
Singular moments never present themselves in exactly the same way again. In other words, we cannot flub our performances and then demand second takes. That should give us pause and make us ask if the things we’re saying are constructive or destructive, thoughtful or flippant). Because whatever they are, they’re woven into the fabric going forward. Things will change in the next encounter. Emotions will change. Consider the following examples I’ve come across:
• A business owner, Terry, told me about a time he sat down with a business associate to discuss forming a partnership. Terry couldn’t understand why the other person, who had become a friend, wasn’t keen on the idea. Then the friend started talking about his pending divorce—about how he had grown pessimistic about agreements and the optimistic promises that held them together. He was not in a place to enter any new agreements. If Terry hadn’t known this, he might have been offended at being rebuffed, and their working relationship might have suffered. The timing for a partnership was critical, and yet in this case it was critically wrong.
That’s why it’s important for us to ask ourselves how the conversation fits into the overall context of the other person’s reality.
• When my son was in his early 20s, he called me to talk about whether he should change his career path and go back to school. I started to wonder during the discussion why we were having it at that point and what was going on in his life. As it happens, my son was home for the holidays and he’d talked to a cousin around his same age, someone who had just graduated from college and been accepted at a law school. The cousin was enthusiastic about his prospects, while my son felt as if he were lagging in his own pursuits. He had always measured success a different way and was more about encouraging people struggling with mental health issues, and he had been torn between what the world labels as success and how he had chosen to use his talents. By the time the conversation ended, my son realized that he could pursue some studies that would help him broaden the reach of his original mission rather than throw it out completely—and a career change was not necessary. So our conversation was less about him taking a new path in life and more about reaffirming the path he had chosen.
Here are some good questions to ask about moments like this:
1. Why are we having this conversation right now and not a month ago or a month from now? Should we be having this conversation right now?
2. How did we get to where we are? What events or circumstances have led us to this talk?
3. How does this discussion fit into the other person’s bigger picture? Since this chance moment in time won’t come again, we need to give special attention to what someone is saying and why. Is there something happening to them at this point that makes them more prone to worry, offense or hurt? You won’t know unless you have the context and discover the roots of the feelings. If you make contact with somebody who’s got a fresh wound, your words might only intensify their pain and delay their healing. On the other hand, without any attention, the wound will harden and scar, preventing any further opportunity for restoration.
Consider that the person you’re talking to is living on two timelines, one of facts and one of visceral emotions. Aside from the facts of their situation, are you following their emotional journey? Are they at a peak or a nadir? If you are too early or too late in figuring that out, you’ll likely not connect the way you want to.
We usually want to do two things if we’re facing a difficult (but crucial) talk. One is to put it off as long as possible, hoping it becomes unnecessary. The other is to rush through it. But being sensitive to the emotional condition of the other party must be our singular consideration if we want to make our conversations meaningful.
A good conversational strategy can also be your safety vest if these conversations turn hostile—say, if they’re about injuries or disagreements or involve some kind of tense negotiation. Master conversationalists discipline themselves to be fully present in each discussion. That means bringing curiosity about where the other person is and what has brought them to this point.
If you do this, you’ll comprehend people’s emotional needs and will be less likely to make dangerous missteps.
It also means minding your responses. Perhaps we should use phrases like, “This feels really important. You must’ve given this a lot of thought.” It will not only help you show empathy but help you determine where the other person is emotionally and let them show that what they are feeling is important.
In your next conversation with a client, try to figure out how it fits into the larger picture of their life and well-being—and then ask yourself how it fits into the larger picture of your life and well-being.
When we do our best to capture the meaning of the moment, we have discovered the point of conversation.
Mitch Anthony is the creator of Life-Centered Planning, the author of 18 books for advisors and their clients, and the co-founder of ROLadvisor.com and LifeCenteredPlanners.com.