Other types of statements that should be avoided include, “You should really get back out there, you are young, you could meet somebody new,” or “You could do more, stay busy, move on, etc.”
She said an “At least” statement is akin to a consolation prize that doesn’t “land” and isn’t supportive. As for the “You should” statements, Balasek said they are manipulative and are inappropriate because most people don't want to be told what to do.
There also are the dismissive statements, such as, “You’ll get past this,” “You’re young,” or “Things will get better.” Also, if a pet dies, people will say, “Well, you can get a new pet.” And then there are the comparative statements, like, “I know exactly how you feel. My dad died last year, and it was awful. My grief was overwhelming.”
These responses, Balasek said, do not meet the person who is grieving where they are. It disenfranchises them and does not acknowledge their loss, she said.
Another thing that leads to negative “At least” and “You should” statements is unconscious bias, something we all have, Balasek said. “When something is so difficult to understand, we go inward, and we make it about us. It’s like an autobiography of our story and we are imagining grief,” she said, adding that we tend to use a hierarchy to quantify it and make sense of it in our heads because it’s so sad.
For example, she asked, “Is it better or worse if someone dies by suicide or if they have a long cancer diagnosis? Is it better if it was a 95-year-old grandfather or a 40-year-old mother of three kids? Is it better if it’s a brother or a child?
“We have this unconscious bias that in our minds we are trying to quantify because it doesn’t make sense. It’s too sad,” she said. “And then we go to “At least they lived a long life,” and “At least they didn’t have to suffer.” But to the griever, that is not supportive, she said. “That person was their world and so, it continues to disenfranchise their grief.”
Balasek offers these additional tips when dealing with a grieving client:
1. Ask permission. People might not want to talk about their grief. So say something like, “The passing of your mother and your feelings are really important to me. Would you like to talk about it today?”
2. Invite the conversation. Advisors should ask questions like, “What has your support system been like currently? Do you have a lot of support in town? Where are you finding the best help and what is not helpful at all?” The questions will get them talking.