Financial advisors can make a difference if they learn how to support clients who are going through death, loss and illness, according to grief literacy coach Kathi Balasek.

Saying “I’m sorry” or “I’m so sorry for your loss” just doesn’t cut it.

“That doesn’t continue the conversation. That doesn’t invite the story and it doesn’t invite their feelings and emotions,” she said.

Balasek, who spoke recently at the Retirement Coaches Association conference, said we have been taught to communicate by using “I statements” such as “I feel this” or “I think that.” But when it comes to grief communication today, she said we want to honor the person who is grieving. Financial advisors are in a good position to do that because they know their clients and have built a relationship with them, she said.

The bottom line when dealing with grieving clients is to bring your "E-Game"—namely, empathy. Empathy, she explained, is not putting yourself in other people’s shoes because “other people’s shoes don’t fit you. So, we want to connect in the emotion.”

“I encourage you to meet clients where they are. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. That’s where trust grows,” she said.

To communicate better with a grieving client, she suggested saying something like, “Your husband, John, will be missed. It’s felt by all of us. I loved his sense of humor and his commitment to his children.” 

“That sounds so much more supportive and authentic,” she said.

There's nothing wrong with writing down what we want to say in such situations and practicing often, she added.

Advisors also need to take note of what they should not say to a grieving client, Balasek continued. That starts with sentences that begin with “At least” or “You should.” Typical responses that advisors should avoid include, “At least they didn’t have to suffer any longer,” or “At least your children didn’t have to see him sick for long,” or “They are in a better place.”

Other types of statements that should be avoided include, “You should really get back out there, you are young, you could meet somebody new,” or “You could do more, stay busy, move on, etc.” 

She said an “At least” statement is akin to a consolation prize that doesn’t “land” and isn’t supportive. As for the “You should” statements, Balasek said they are manipulative and are inappropriate because most people don't want to be told what to do. 

There also are the dismissive statements, such as, “You’ll get past this,” “You’re young,” or “Things will get better.” Also, if a pet dies, people will say, “Well, you can get a new pet.” And then there are the comparative statements, like, “I know exactly how you feel. My dad died last year, and it was awful. My grief was overwhelming.”

These responses, Balasek said, do not meet the person who is grieving where they are. It disenfranchises them and does not acknowledge their loss, she said.

Another thing that leads to negative “At least” and “You should” statements is unconscious bias, something we all have, Balasek said. “When something is so difficult to understand, we go inward, and we make it about us. It’s like an autobiography of our story and we are imagining grief,” she said, adding that we tend to use a hierarchy to quantify it and make sense of it in our heads because it’s so sad.

For example, she asked, “Is it better or worse if someone dies by suicide or if they have a long cancer diagnosis? Is it better if it was a 95-year-old grandfather or a 40-year-old mother of three kids? Is it better if it’s a brother or a child?

“We have this unconscious bias that in our minds we are trying to quantify because it doesn’t make sense. It’s too sad,” she said. “And then we go to “At least they lived a long life,” and “At least they didn’t have to suffer.” But to the griever, that is not supportive, she said. “That person was their world and so, it continues to disenfranchise their grief.”

Balasek offers these additional tips when dealing with a grieving client:

1. Ask permission. People might not want to talk about their grief. So say something like, “The passing of your mother and your feelings are really important to me. Would you like to talk about it today?”

2. Invite the conversation. Advisors should ask questions like, “What has your support system been like currently? Do you have a lot of support in town? Where are you finding the best help and what is not helpful at all?” The questions will get them talking.

3. Use the terms they are using. “Not everyone is ready to hear the words ‘death’ and ‘dying,’” Balasek said. If your client is saying her husband’s daughter “passed away,” then you use that phrase too.

4. Listen to learn and understand. It’s important to stop talking sometimes and hear what the client is saying. “Listen with the intent of where they are, understanding what they are going through and then work on connecting the dots of where we can open a further conversation.”

5. Embrace silence. Silence is golden. Breaks in a conversation help clients process, think, respond and hold a memory. "Trust me, this has taken over their whole world, and so, we want to pace it slow.”

Balasek cautioned against the temptation of communicating with a grieving client on Facebook or LinkedIn. “The No. 1 thing to do is to call them and, second, nothing replaces the handwritten note,” she said. “Honor your clients, friends and family with 15 minutes of your time and write a personal note. You can conclude it with a next step, such as ‘I will reach out to you in two weeks’ or ‘I am dropping by dinner next week.’”