D'Arruda, who is also a life coach, says there's nothing wrong with parents helping their children out if they run into trouble-provided they can afford it-but the parents must show tough love and set clear expectations about when the kids are supposed to get back on their feet. While this can be hard with any child, it's even harder when the children have what D'Arruda calls an "anchor baby," or grandchild. "But even birds throw their chicks out of the nest," D'Arruda says.
Dr. Howard Haller had to take a hard line with his son, though it was probably easier because there was no grandchild involved. When his 36-year-old son, who was a commercial photographer, fell on hard times, he moved back in with Haller and his second wife, Rose. Haller made the son sign a contract. He was used to having children return home. Both he and his wife are on second marriages, and together they have six children, four of which have landed back home over the last five years. Upon their return, Haller made every child aware of his responsibilities in the home. He then put those responsibilities in writing and had each child initial them to assure he understood what was expected.
"I wanted them to understand, there's no maid service included. It's not like when they were teenagers and mom and dad were going to pick up after them," Haller says.
But his son, the photographer, over the course of a year tested the limits of the contract and Haller's patience. The situation became so intolerable that Haller took his son out one night to Mongolian BBQ, one of the young man's favorite restaurants, and had a heart-to-heart talk with him about how he wasn't fulfilling his side of the contract, particularly when Haller would go away on business and the son was left alone in the house with his stepmother. Haller then said if the boy didn't shape up, he was out. Within a week, the son decided he was going to move out.
"We had to do it. For my sanity, for my wife's sanity, and for his growth and well-being," Haller says.