*Disclaimer: This article, while based on actual events, is intended as humor. It is not an endorsement of any of the acts described therein. Do not engage in any activity that might harm yourself or others. Do not attempt to perform or imitate the "closing technique" described above or engage in any similar activity. The author expressly disclaims any liability for harm to any person arising from any attempt to reproduce the "techniques" or activities described in this article.

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