Similar to the the word “never,” its close cousin “always” also can stir both emotions and the money pot. I regularly face widows and widowers who break down when discussing their investments, situation and next steps. They become paralyzed over what to do because the person that said, “I’ll always be there for you,” is gone. The very person with whom they spent decades making decisions and mulling things over with is no longer available. Regardless of whether it was a parent or spouse … or if the death was expected after a long medical battle … or whether it was sudden … situations like these make it very difficult for spouses and family members to move on both personally and financially.
In these situations, you are not only likely to have issues such as stocks mentioned above but physical investments as well, such as houses, boats, clothes, jewelry, motorcycles and cars, which can become problematic and burdensome to a surviving spouse or family members. I consistently see people imprison themselves financially by holding onto a house with a yard they can’t manage, or a boat that was going to be restored, an RV or car on which they are paying insurance and keeping in climate controlled storage. Emotionally, things such as clothes, coats, tools, and medical equipment can lie around for years, slowing the grieving process and the acceptance of their new situation. The culprit is usually the dreaded phrase, “He/she always…”
Again, using questions and conversations to open a dialogue about the stress or burdens that often follows the death of a loved one can help them see their situation from a new perspective. Most couples never have the “after I die” financial conversation. There’s no, “Hey, honey, after the funeral, you’ll have to live on less Social Security and pension money, so dump the house and boat. I don’t want you to deal with that stress or burden.”
Therefore, advisors can help them see their solution by being empathetic. Share their emotions. Even if you didn’t have the opportunity to meet their lost loved one, saying, “From the outside looking in, it sounds like your spouse was a good person who wanted the best for you. I’m left to imagine he/she wouldn’t want you to feel stressed or burdened by this in any way.”
When it comes to material goods and decision making, it’s also important to be resourceful. Pointing them toward a support group is a great option because they’ll find people who have gone through their exact situation; help them navigate the emotional components of losing a loved one, and offer advice on managing their possessions.
One of the best things I ever did was attend widow and widower groups' support sessions. Initially, I was invited to answer financial questions, but soon learned a great deal about these individuals and how they dealt with their situations. Among their most common responses was, “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to get rid of …” They talked fondly of selling or giving the items to people who would care for them in a way their loved one would be proud of and more important, they admitted that their memories are in the heart and mind, not their stuff. A valuable lesson for everyone, particularly those facing a sentimental valuation and in need of ways to create an emotional legacy.
Retirement planning that includes the terms “always” and “never” is a sensitive situation. When handled correctly, advisors can not only help a client financially but also mentally, socially, physically and spiritually.
P.S. let me know what you think of the article by leaving a comment or e-mailing me.
Follow Robert Laura on Twitter @robertlaura. He is the president of SYNEGOS Financial group, co-founder of RetirementProject.org and author of Naked Retirement. He can be reached at [email protected].