There also are the dismissive statements, such as, “You’ll get past this,” “You’re young,” or “Things will get better.” Also, if a pet dies, people will say, “Well, you can get a new pet.” And then there are the comparative statements, like, “I know exactly how you feel. My dad died last year, and it was awful. My grief was overwhelming.”
These responses, Balasek said, do not meet the person who is grieving where they are. It disenfranchises them and does not acknowledge their loss, she said.
Another thing that leads to negative “At least” and “You should” statements is unconscious bias, something we all have, Balasek said. “When something is so difficult to understand, we go inward, and we make it about us. It’s like an autobiography of our story and we are imagining grief,” she said, adding that we tend to use a hierarchy to quantify it and make sense of it in our heads because it’s so sad.
For example, she asked, “Is it better or worse if someone dies by suicide or if they have a long cancer diagnosis? Is it better if it was a 95-year-old grandfather or a 40-year-old mother of three kids? Is it better if it’s a brother or a child?
“We have this unconscious bias that in our minds we are trying to quantify because it doesn’t make sense. It’s too sad,” she said. “And then we go to the ‘At least,’ like ‘At least they lived a long life,’ and ‘At least they didn’t have to suffer.’” But to the griever, that is not supportive. “That person was their world, and so it continues to disenfranchise their grief.”
Balasek offers these additional tips when dealing with a grieving client:
1. Ask permission. People might not want to talk about their grief. So say something like, “The passing of your mother and your feelings are really important to me. Would you like to talk about it today?”
2. Invite the conversation. Advisors should ask questions like, “What has your support system been like currently? Do you have a lot of support in town? Where are you finding the best help and what is not helpful at all?” The questions will get them talking.
3. Use the terms they are using. “Not everyone is ready to hear the words ‘death’ and ‘dying,’” Balasek said. If your client is saying her husband’s daughter “passed away,” then you use that phrase too.
4. Listen to learn and understand. It’s important to stop talking sometimes and hear what the client is saying. “Listen with the intent of where they are, understanding what they are going through, and then work on connecting the dots of where we can open a further conversation.”
5. Embrace silence. Silence is golden. Breaks in a conversation help clients process, think, respond and hold a memory. “Trust me, this has taken over their whole world, and so, we want to pace it slow.”
Balasek cautioned against the temptation of communicating with a grieving client on Facebook or LinkedIn. “The No. 1 thing to do is to call them and, second, nothing replaces the handwritten note,” she said. “Honor your clients, friends and family with 15 minutes of your time and write a personal note. You can conclude it with a next step, such as ‘I will reach out to you in two weeks’ or ‘I am dropping by dinner next week.’”