“Mom, we all have our issues, and no one is perfect, especially when it comes to taking care of ourselves. There is no reason to be embarrassed and I promise I won’t share anything I hear with anyone else.”
If the attempt at those conversations doesn’t work, a properly named health-care surrogate can write a letter/email to the doctor stating the concerns. In that letter, they should note that they are the health-care surrogate, they love their parent, want to do a good job helping them, and that they are worried because the parent is not letting them be involved and know what is going on. The letter should express that privacy issues are known and understood and ask the doctor if they would please encourage the parent to involve the surrogate so the surrogate can be more prepared to take over in the event help is needed.
If the elder still refuses to let any of the children get involved, it is worth asking if a geriatric care manager could be hired. A third party who is more objective may be listened to when people close to the elder parent are dismissed by the parent.
What to do when none of that works? McClanahan says, “If the situation gets dire and they are not doing well, ask the doctor to intervene directly. If that doesn’t work, and they won’t allow you to bring in a geriatric care manager, your next step would be to get help determining capacity.”
“Dire” is a good word here. In Florida, we have the Baker Act for such circumstances, but the bar is very high for the courts to invoke it. The best course is to create a plan, not just to get documents in place but to discuss health and quality of life situations when everyone is well. That won’t prevent all issues, but it can set the psychological tone for how people will act in the future.
Dan Moisand, CFP, has been featured as one of America’s top independent financial planners by Financial Planning, Financial Advisor, Investment Advisor, Investment News, Journal of Financial Planning, Accounting Today, Research, Wealth Manager, and Worth magazines. He practices in Melbourne, Fla. You can reach him at [email protected].