Logistics
Many large, geographically dispersed clans gather annually at a resort for a weekend of meetings-meetings for the men, the women, in-laws, the third-generation, you name it. There's often a dinner or social event the night before. Such an event isn't necessary; you can meet for as little as two hours, realistically. But you do need a venue offering freedom from interruption. So don't assemble at the business. Experts also advise against convening at the parents' home. "Dad's house creates a situation of imbalance," Keyt says. The tab for the assembly (and sometimes travel) is typically picked up by the family office or business, he says.
If a relation threatens to boycott the meeting, so be it. Don't get held hostage, says Dennis T. Jaffe, a family-business consultant and professor of organizational systems at Saybrook Graduate School in San Francisco. Often these types show up at the last minute, or by the second meeting, if you keep the invitation open.
For family meetings to succeed, it's vital that the advisor-cum-facilitator gain the trust and confidence of everyone. To this end, experienced consultants generally insist on meeting with every relative individually (or speaking by phone, if out-of-town) before convening the entire family tree. According to panelists at a recent conference on family meetings presented by The Capital Trust Company of Delaware, such pre-meetings can reveal potential problem areas; allow family members to suggest items for the agenda (which the advisor will subsequently prepare); allow family to project their visions for success (ask, "How will we know if the family-meeting process is successful?"); and help the advisor transition from representing a few members to the whole family. These one-on-ones also establish the rapport you'll need later to ask someone to quiet down.
Some advisors recommend sub-meetings as a pre-cursor to the full monty. Consider it spoon-feeding. Bringing together a few folks with a common problem moves the client away from thinking that family meetings are big, daunting, expensive ventures, says Elizabeth Mathieu, an attorney with Capital IV Partners, a multi-client family office in New York City. In one case, certain family members had issues with an investment portfolio. "We got them together," Mathieu says, "they dealt with it, and now the family has 10 advocates for the idea of a family meeting, having experienced the benefits of working together."
Prior to the full meeting, the advisor/facilitator must also: determine whether participants need to bring any information to the meeting; distribute a one-page summary of the estate plan to those affected, so they can reflect upon it (for estate-planning meetings); and prepare the agenda. Coaching may be advisable if the initial interviews suggest trouble. Once, when working with a hot-headed father and son prone to tangling, Lansky pulled each aside beforehand. "I said to the son, 'I need you to really focus on listening to your dad. You don't have to agree, but you do need to listen and understand his point of view.' Then I said the same thing to his father."
In the Meeting
The first family meeting is critical. Early success spawns subsequent success, experts report. So incorporate something positive, such as a discussion of family culture, and address small issues to score quick victories.
After distributing the agenda and emphasizing the importance of beginning and ending on time, create rules of order, says Thayer Willis, a Lake Oswego, Ore., psychotherapist who counsels inheritors and author of Navigating the Dark Side of Wealth: A Life Guide for Inheritors (New Concord Press).
The advisor writes, on a white board or flip chart, rules the family suggests. Turn cell phones off. Speak respectfully. No yelling. A family of interrupters may opt for a talking stick, where only the person with the stick may speak. "The goal of the code of conduct is to create an environment (where) people know what's expected," Willis says. E-mail the rules to everyone after the first meeting for possible tweaking at the second.