In the meetings, the advisor's job includes agenda control, parliamentary enforcement, facilitating brainstorming, documenting goings-on, and generally controlling the environment (don't let the overnight cleaning crew erase the board or throw out work papers). You may need to draw out quiet family members-"Jimmy, I haven't heard from you this meeting"-and put the lid on others. "Say, 'Right now it's important for us to listen. Dad, you'll have a chance to speak. Son, what's on your mind right now?'" says Lansky.
A primary task of the advisor/facilitator is to contain emotion when tempers flare. Don't feed the drama. "If you're calm, that will help the family stay calm," Lansky says. And don't ask why someone is so angry at someone else. "'Why' questions are often interpreted as a challenge of someone's motive or competence," Lansky says. Should things go helplessly awry, with people teetering on storming out, offer, "Let's find a way to continue this conversation, whether with me or someone else."
Bonding
Family meetings are useful for helping kin communicate in several areas, starting with an acknowledgement that the family does, in fact, have wealth. When parents don't inform kids about their prospects as inheritors-and many parents don't-the children are hurt when they discover the money, smarting from not being trusted, says John Levy, a wealth and inheritance consultant in Mill Valley, Calif. "Being secretive also communicates that there's something wrong with the money. [Child:] 'Otherwise they would have told me about it.'"
At what age to tell? "Let them set the agenda," Levy advises. "Don't push (the topic). If they have questions, answer them. If the child wants to know numbers-and usually they don't-you may say, 'You're a little too young for that yet. We'll talk the actual numbers when you grow up a little bit.' That way, there's no secret," Levy says.
Another fruitful topic is the parents' estate plan. Progeny being what they are, they may have a sense of entitlement. Therefore, members of the older generation should discuss plans during their lifetimes, particularly if a charitable vehicle is being considered, Levy says. In an estate-planning meeting, "the parents make clear it's their plan, but that they are going to listen to the children's feelings about the inheritance-what they would like, and how they think it should be set up," Levy says.
If parents are contemplating unequal inheritances, "the next generation better understand very clearly why if you want harmony in that generation," says clinical psychologist Lee Hausner, a partner in IFF Advisors LLC, a family enterprise and foundations consulting firm in Irvine, Calif. "The estate plan either helps the family retain a sense of unity or causes enormous divisions and hard, bitter feelings. Before each decision in an estate plan, consider, 'What will this do to the relationships in the family when I'm no longer here? What will be the effect on my heirs?' Clients should use that test," Hausner says.
Hausner views family meetings as an opportunity to instill philanthropy in youngsters. "By eight years old, they can be trained on junior boards and learn that their wealth carries a responsibility to make the world a better place. That's part of the social capital of the family," Hausner says. "It's very empowering to say to a child, 'Go find a cause, find out why they need the money, write a report, and we will give you some money to give to that charity. Then at the end of the year, go find out what they did with the money.' In a functional family, that makes the child feel really responsible and part of the family," Hausner says.
Levy, who is an inheritor himself, says that philanthropic heirs are much happier than those who aren't. "Using money philanthropically can help overcome some of the guilt that is almost inevitable for those who grow up with a lot of money," Levy says.
During the family meeting process, you may conclude that someone could benefit from professional help. Don't blurt "shrink" or "mental health." Jaffe advises saying to the client, "You seem to be struggling with some issues, and perhaps working with a counselor can help you resolve them." Focus on decision-making and moving ahead, rather than personality and emotional problems, Jaffe says. If wealth issues seem the root cause-inheritors routinely suffer shame and/or low self-esteem-seek a practitioner versed in the psychology of wealth, a specialized sub-field of money psychology, says Dennis Pearne, a wealth counselor in Natick, Mass.