I first addressed this topic with a gathering of women plastic surgeons last fall. My discussion focused on the experience of working women and women in positions of decision-making and authority, sharing how challenging it is to navigate the complexities of work, wealth management and family. Through my own experiences, I have seen how important it is to learn how to strike a balance with the challenges and demands of everyday life.
In her commencement speech to the graduating class of Dartmouth College on June 8, 2014, Shonda Rhimes described her role as a working mother this way: “If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the trade-off. That is the Faustian bargain with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel one hundred percent okay. You never get your sea legs. You are always a little nauseous.”
Although this topic originally contemplated issues specific to women, its themes are applicable to anyone navigating life’s challenges: a parent advising a son or daughter; anyone guiding children or assisting other family members; anyone running a family’s business or unexpectedly taking over family business operations. We all have different paths to the position in which we find ourselves—but there are lessons for each of us, man and woman, who struggle with similar circumstances and challenges on our individual paths to success. The most important thing for each of us is to take responsibility for writing our own story. If we don’t write it, someone else will, and we may not like the ending.
My own story is one comprised of striving to find the balance between work, wealth management and family. I am a managing director with Tolleson Wealth Management. I’m also the mother of two children, Preston, who is 24, and Alex, who is 21. My experiences and professional journey have helped provide me insight on how to balance a career, family, philanthropic interests and achieving financial independence.
Competing In A High-Pressure Profession
The topic of finding a work-life balance has fostered a complete industry of self-help gurus and would-be industry experts. You probably are familiar with Sheryl Sandberg and her book Lean In. She managed to create some dialogue around women in the workforce. But her perspective largely ignored institutional and environmental factors that contribute to the problems that people in high-pressure professions, particularly women, face.
In her blog “How Our Engineering Environments are Killing Diversity,” Kate Heddleston described women in technology as the canary in the coal mine. “Normally when the canary in the coal mine starts dying, you know the environment is toxic and you should get the hell out. Instead, the tech industry is looking at the canary, wondering why it can’t breathe, saying ‘Lean in, canary. Lean in!’ When one canary dies they get a new one because getting more canaries is how you fix the lack of canaries, right?—except the problem is that there isn’t enough oxygen in the coal mine, not that there are too few canaries.”
So what is the problem for women in business or anyone managing complex family interests? What is the problem, really—is it the individual or the environment? One must develop the discernment to quickly evaluate the environment and determine how to adapt one’s style. It might be as simple as observing how successful people in the group perceive and react to challenges, how they build relationships and how they compete for opportunities. Two practices are powerfully effective.
First, every person benefits from a great mentor or sponsor who is willing to guide you and share time and experience. A sponsor will also help you navigate through the current environment and take an interest in your individual development. Listen to them and take action on their advice.
I’m the product of a wonderful upbringing by parents who were “in the school business.” My father was a school superintendent and my mother a teacher of the deaf. Conversation around our dinner table was about anything and everything except business. I was a good student and, when I was a senior at Highland Park High School here in Dallas, I was accepted and planned to go to the University of Texas in Austin. I had heard that if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life, so I thought I’d study fashion. I was 18. What else was there?