The process of defining a legacy varies with each family, but the discovery and action phases usually have some things in common, according to Friend. After an initial meeting with the head of the family, the discovery phase begins.

The process can involve two-day sessions and is designed to give each family member a voice and to find the strengths in the family. The program is designed to accommodate the family's schedule and could even involve a weekend retreat. The activities allow Weiner and Friend to get to know the family. Who attends the sessions depends on which family members will be involved in the legacy planning and often it will include participants from several generations.
The second, or action phase, is customized to each family's needs and includes the development of a long-term plan and a strategy for achieving it. Meetings are scheduled as needed and can be spread out over any time frame the family desires, with the potential that some relationships could continue for years, according to Friend.

Families that end up at their doorstep can have anywhere from over a billion dollars in assets to $10 million.  What their clients have in common is the belief that they have more than they can spend during their lifetime. Inheriting Wisdom charges $20,000 for the discovery phase when a family is less than 15 people and adjusts accordingly, by the number of people and the complexity of the circumstances.  The action phase is customized based on the objectives and complexity of the issues of the family.  Families who engage in both processes can anticipate spending about $80,000.

"During our time together, participants are surprised at how engaging and fun discovery can be. This is not therapy," Weiner says. "The discovery phase is interactive and exploratory. It can be incorporated into a family meeting or as a family gathering." 

Friend and Weiner have designed what they call a "Legacy Wheel," which has a prominent place in their book. It deals with tangibles, including philanthropy and cherished possessions, and intangibles, such as family traditions and accomplishments. The wheel is designed to spark conversations that might not otherwise be approachable.  Inheriting Wisdom is about developing an intentional legacy through the creation of a holistic plan, according to the couple.

Some families will want to start very slowly, with a single project such as building a Habitat for Humanity home. Or they may want to move forward rapidly on several fronts at once on things that are important to everyone or to individuals. Friend and Weiner work with the family's financial advisor, as well as any other professional who needs or wants to be brought into the discussion.

But the entire process, which can involve many meetings, is also meant to be fun and a deck of cards called "Conversation Starters" is part of the process. The cards ask questions that are meant to elicit personal feelings and information that other family members may not know. "When did you first compare your friends' possessions to yours?"  and "A scholarship in your honor would be created in what field?" are examples.

"Many financial advisors shy away from these ideas because they are not comfortable dealing with family dynamics," says Weiner. "From an advisor's point of view, these are some of the things that are hardest to figure out because they focus on the intangibles, the integration of one's guiding principles and beliefs, family culture and traditions and life experiences.  Advisors can focus on growing and preserving the family's wealth, leaving us to focus on the family dynamics."

Every family has obstacles, dubbed "dragons" by the couple. They include jealousy, greed, envy and other emotions that can get in the way of real planning. Why does one brother deserve more than another; how do you divide precious family possessions; who takes the lead in the family business?

Like Friend and Weiner, Tim and Judy Barg of Wheaton, Ill., came to the realization that they could use guidance in legacy planning when a grandmother died and they started cleaning out the family home.