Some clients, it’s true, have had a more challenging time moving into continuous care communities, but some of that challenge was the fight they put up in the first place. By waiting until they had to move, their transition was more difficult. Even though they could pick where they were living, they couldn’t pick when, so at some level they took out their frustrations about aging on the facility itself.
Our next client didn’t want to move, but also didn’t want to be ill-prepared if she were forced to. She had grown up in another state, and thought she would move back to it to be near family (she still had a cousin there). Her mother had done something similar when it was time to leave her house.
When we asked this client about her mother’s experience, however, she recalled that after returning to be close to family, her mother ended up spending very little time with them. It would most likely be the same for our client if she moved back home.
So we focused on the people in her life and her current spot—the support network she already had around her. Regardless of where she chose to be, we concluded, she would have to develop new networks and social contacts. It would be easier to do, and easier to stay connected with her friends, if she stayed in the area. If she moved back home and lived near her cousin, on the other hand, there was no guarantee she’d have a social network. She also had other connections in her current city that were important—the professionals she saw, the church she belonged to, and the communities she was engaged in.
Once we decided that it made more sense for her to stay in state (regardless of the actual residence), we could discuss when she would leave. The challenge with assisted living is that many people want to enter a community right at the moment they are no longer able to live independently in their existing home. This doesn’t work with facilities that have waiting lists or if something happens forcing you to take action earlier than you expected. Our client waited to move, but chose the facility she was interested in and decided when to go on its waiting list.
Our third client in this story had no children in state and zero desire to leave her current situation. When we finally got her to look at places that could be a fit, she chose one that had wonderful amenities but would cost more in both a down payment and monthly rent than she reasonably could afford. We went through the numbers with her. We asked her if she wanted to be in a place where she could not afford to participate in the same activities her new friends did. It is not easy being the poorest person in the facility.
Her children are rightfully concerned about what responsibilities may fall on their shoulders. While they love and support their mother, they live in other places all over the world. It wasn’t a burden for them to take their mother in, but she’s proud and would not consider it.
The good news is that because of demographics, more places will be opening up, and she may find an affordable one that will work for her. But she is gambling that she will stay healthy enough to make the choice on her own terms. The stakes are high and her avoidance is a game she doesn’t need to be playing.
Some Things To Consider
When counseling clients on this stage of life, here are some considerations: