These two questions exemplify the kinds of issues that make many of us feel inadequate in times of others' losses. But how much do we know about things such as the five stages of grief? And how does a person's grief change depending on his age and gender and the nature of the death? What are a grieving person's greatest fears, and how do you handle each one? Many of these issues related to grief are beyond the average advisor. Without training, the best advisors can hope for is that they have ample reserves of "natural" empathy that come through and save them in situations like these.
Says Bryan Hogan, a Northwestern Mutual rep in Vernon Hills, Ill., who took one of Florian's workshops: "When you say to the grieving, 'I know how you feel,' or worse yet, 'I've had an experience like yours,' you send the opposite message-that you don't understand. Others don't want to know about your experiences; they want to talk about theirs. And ultimately they want to know that, as an advisor, you do understand and that they can trust you."
Karen DeRose, a managing partner at Chicago-based Karen DeRose and Associates, deals largely in elder financial planning-"Either children who come to me because mom or dad have died," she says, "or divorced and widowed clients." Not only is it important that you be trained in dealing with grieving clients, DeRose says, but that the staff is on top of it as well.
"I understand we must deal appropriately with the initial call we get from a client who has just suffered a deep loss, and my four staff members must all know the correct responses, too," she says. She's making sure the entire office has the kind of training Florian offers.
If this training is good for financial advisors, it must be doubly valuable to estate planning attorneys, who are even more likely to face client losses. Gary R. Waitzman of Lincolnshire, Ill., says, "I realized I'd been uncomfortable with funerals, wakes, sitting shiva. ... Everyone says 'Sorry for your loss' or 'He's in a better place." So trite. When I heard Amy, something about her message and the timing of it smacked me between the eyes. My sense was, "Here's someone with real-life experience, real passion and something important to say."
Coincidentally, several people were referred to Waitzman within 30 days of his hearing Florian, and he found himself interacting with them very differently, trying-as he puts it-"to not push aside the bloody rhinoceros head in the middle of the table that no one wants to acknowledge.
"I let them know I sincerely am sensitive to their loss and they need to tell me what they need from me. It's a whole different approach from, 'I'm sorry for your loss. ... Where's your will?'"
How does a coaching session with Florian work? Florian says each grief situation is unique, so she tailors her services to what her advisor client needs. "For financial advisors, I do a lot of talks [at conferences], I speak to groups, to firms, or coach advisors individually to teach the principles of grieving, what to do about it, how to act around it, and what to say. In a coaching arrangement, I usually do four 1.5-hour sessions, which is sufficient for most. For others who want or need more, I might even write condolence letters for them or consult with them on very specific situations."
Florian also talks directly to advisors' clients, if they want her to.
"If someone has a high-net-worth client who wants to pay for it, their advisor might recommend me as a grief coach."
Says Hogan, who's taken to heart Florian's guidance, "If a client told you they'd just discovered they had a terminal illness, what would your reaction be? [Now that I'm more aware], I'd stop and ask them for the details ... give them a chance to explain how they feel or what they're looking for. They'll tell you that [more readily than] what they're really worried about-their illness. Don't forget to ask them the really important questions, such as, 'Are we talking about weeks, months or years?' 'What one thing are you most worried about?' 'What's your thinking process?' Then get to the titling of assets and all your financial planning considerations."