To be sure, you might have to read between the lines. "Many times when people talk about money, it's not actually about money," explains David Keator of the Keator Group, a Lenox, Mass.-based wealth manager. A persistent need for extra cash, for example, could reflect a yearning insecurity-or a hidden addiction. "You have to be astute to tell the difference, and know when to refer clients to a non-financial resource," says Keator.

Naturally, most FAs are familiar with emotionalism. "Emotion underlies all financial decisions," says Stephen Horan, head of private wealth management at the CFA Institute in Charlottesville, Va.

But if it takes some coaxing to get clients or family members to open up, try "sharing anonymous third-party stories," suggests Brent Bayes, a CPA and marketing director for Las Ventanas Retirement Community, in Las Vegas. "Hearing how others have done their planning or reacted in a certain situation helps bring things into focus."

Sibling rivalry. With any family interaction, old sibling rivalries can become a big issue. Nothing makes adults revert to childhood roles faster than a family reunion-and when money is involved, the sparks can really fly.

"Resentments between siblings are issues we, as advisors, cannot manage, but we can anchor everyone to the key message, which is: This money needs to first make sure mom is cared for," insists Matt Zagula, president of the Estate and Elder Planning Center in Weirton, W.Va.

It might not be easy. "Financial advisors often feel they have to solve everything," observes Keith Klovee-Smith, Olympia, Wash.-based national manager of Wells Fargo Private Banking's Elder Services Program. He suggests advisors express compassion-saying something like, "It sounds like that's been difficult, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with it." "But," he adds, "we can do nothing about the past or fix old hurts. ... Often we just have to acknowledge somebody's pain."

Key, then, is a mix of empathy and humility. "Advisors must recognize their own limitations," concurs Lisa Osofsky, a financial planner at WeiserMazars in Evanston, N.J.

Caregiving. Another hot-button issue is parental incapacity. Often one child-usually a daughter-volunteers to help. Sometimes too much. "Being a caregiver is extremely rewarding but also very difficult," notes Jayne Sallerson at Emeritus Senior Living in Seattle. She cites short-term in-home assistance, respite care in an assisted-living community, and adult day care as good resources for helping caregivers. Overworking, she emphasizes, "impacts the well-being of caregivers and the senior in their care."

Beyond that, siblings should help. "The family caregiver needs to know that the other siblings are available," says James Moniz, president of Northeast Wealth Management in Braintree, Mass. The advisor, he adds, should talk to all family members about their "roles and responsibilities."

Be careful, however, about paying family caregivers. "Disqualification for government benefits can result if compensation is not done correctly," cautions Yale Hauptman, an eldercare attorney at Hauptman & Hauptman in Livingston, N.J.
Appreciation can be expressed, too, with non-cash tokens such as the family silver or another prized heirloom.

Encroaching Alzheimer's. If physical caretaking is onerous, dementia can be devastating-and not just to family members. FAs are often "the first to see decline in their clients," comments Ted Sarenski, president and CEO of Blue Ocean Strategic Capital in Syracuse, N.Y. "A competent advisor would suggest the client's spouse or children be brought along to the next meeting."
It's best to establish a course of action ahead of any emergency, of course. "Just as family business succession will be more successful with an articulated plan, so will the challenges of eldercare," says Lee Hausner, Ph.D. and senior managing director at First Foundation Advisors in Irvine, Calif.