• Now there’s a thing called a cheesequake Blizzard. It’s a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake on top. We’ve now gotten to the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient.
• [Now there’s a monster burger.] It’s a Philadelphia cheese steak and a half-pound hamburger on the same bun. It’s sold with a Coke, large fries and a headstone. They actually bury you right in the box. When did meat become a condiment for other meat?
• Some advertisements say they have removed all the transfat from their products. Do you know what transfat is? It’s fat they have liposuctioned off a transsexual. But it’s not the transfat that is the problem; it’s the bucket. Any time you’re eating your food by the bucket, you’re going to look like the bucket.
• There was a story in The New York Times that 38 percent of children 7 years of age and younger are too fat to fit in their car seats. If your kid is too fat to fit in his car seat, you don’t put him in the car seat. You make him run behind the car.
• The hottest selling item in consumer electronics is the smart refrigerator. It’s a refrigerator that notifies you by your iPhone when you low on certain items. Does anybody really need this? You’re at work and you have to step out of a meeting. “I gotta take this. It’s my refrigerator calling. We’re out of Wing Dings.”
• The name of [bigamist cult leader] Warren Jeffs popped up in the news again. A judge ruled he had 250 children. Do you know who I feel sorry for there? The middle child. The 125th child suffers. He doesn’t get that one-on-one attention.