• Did you know you can now buy a casket at Walmart. Do you know what ‘s worse than that? Buying a casket at Ikea. Can you imagine putting together your own casket?

• A liar, a cheater and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, the Patriots are in town.”

• There are these insurance companies. How do these people sleep at night? They ask, “Are you 50 to 80 and thinking about life insurance?” What 80-year-old guy is just starting to think about life insurance? He’s sitting around at night and says, “You know, honey, our kids are in their 60s now. God forbid if we ever have that motorcycle accident, I just want to know the kids are taken care of.”

• All these medicines we have now. The side affects are so much worse than the diseases. Now we have a disease that apparently is sweeping America. Restless leg syndrome. I’m sitting at the dinner table tapping my leg. I’m supposed to take medicine where the side affects are gambling and increased sexual desire. Well that’s a huge improvement. I’m not tapping my leg now, but I’m a horny degenerate gambler.

• Any pharmaceutical commercial where you see people over the age of 70 running through a field [is just wrong]. First of all, older Americans are not running willy nilly through a field. That is a side effect.

• What disease could you have had where blindness, impotence and explosive diarrhea is the improvement?

• What about the woman who has had her eggs frozen for seven and a half years? I mean, its bad enough growing up to find out you’re adopted. Try growing up and finding out you were defrosted. “Get away from those fish sticks. Your brother‘s behind there. Damn kid left the freezer door open and wiped out the whole family.”

• We are becoming a nation of excuse makers. They now say obesity may be caused by a virus and not by overeating. Does that mean you can call in fat to work now? What’s with hot brownies and pizza? Who put these two together? Have you ever done that in your life? I’ve had three or four pieces of pizza. I think I’ll have a brownie now. And have you seen the doubled-up pizza? “What do you want on your pizza?” Just put more pizza on it.